Maybe.

So, maybe it's really love.
Maybe it really matters.
Maybe he really matters.
Maybe I get to really matter.
Maybe it's proof that happiness exists still.
That I still have a chance at it.

Maybe it's not.
Maybe it's just a happy circumstance.
Just a lucky friendship for a dark time.
Maybe it's just a good time while it lasts.
Maybe it will hurt like hell in the end.

Maybe, just maybe, it's worth it, no matter the risk.

And maybe it's not.

But... that's a chance I'm willing to take.

For him.

For me.

Blogging Fail.

So, seriously, we all knew this was going to happen. It's been over a year since I last posted... and oh my, how things have changed. Relocated (albeit temporarily) to East Lansing, Michigan, home of MSU (GO GREEN!) and my best friend from Korea. I miss my family something terrible, so at the very least I should appreciate them more and make sure they know how much I love them.

I'm getting myself involved in the community here, there are so many great people. That's probably because it's a college town, but so is Schenectady, and I just never noticed this type of camaraderie. Maybe because I wasn't in such need for friends? It was very different moving over 600 miles away, knowing less than a dozen people in my new hometown. You tend to reach out to people in that circumstance, even when you're normally more likely to keep to yourself. At least, that's how it feels to me.

I find myself at a loss for words trying to explain where I am at this particular point in my life. I'm young, only 23 years on this Earth, but feel world weary. My actions and dreams are youthful, but my body betrays me. My thoughts and decisions are burdened by years of interesting, though not regrettable, decisions. I have made many friends... and lost many more. I have fallen in and out of love. I have learned what it means to the people dearest to me when I am self-destructive, and have begun to learn how to control that aspect of myself. I have met my limitations and forced them aside.

I refuse to be conquered by my pain. I am embracing it, what it is to me, what it has led me, no... allowed me to become. Without it, I wouldn't have had the drive to do what I have. The courage, the self-confidence, the determination... the pure rage that forces me ahead.

That said, my spine has deteriorated considerably, so I'm now completely missing the cartilage that should be cushioning the vertebrae at the base of my spine. My ribs are still the wonderful source of agony they always have been. My right knee is pretty useless due to a torn medial meniscus. My left scaphoid didn't heal properly, so I can't use my left wrist to push anything. My left shoulder still likes to run away from the socket, as does my right hip. Most concerning at this point is the fact that my lungs are rebelling against themselves, causing a very interesting cough and insane peaks of pain.

But... I'm alive.

My family loves me. I have food in my belly when I remember to eat it. I have a roof over my head. I have clothes to keep from being bare. I have friends who embrace my quirks and peculiarities.

It could be worse.

Korea

As usual, been a long while since the last post. I don't expect anything more from myself, not really. It's spring 2010, and I am currently in the great city of Seoul, in the Republic of Korea, the Land of Morning Calm. It's actually really amazing, the experience of a lifetime, and one I hope to repeat when I can really enjoy it, with family and friends.

I'm at Yonsei University, one of the top private schools here in Korea. It's fairly huge, and dates back into the eighteen hundreds. While I expected it to be the Korean version of UA, it is very much more impressive than that, with excellent faculty and a fantastic group of students. Taking some major adjustments to get used to the culture, but I don't have any real complaints. It's strange to share food from a common dish, but it kind of feels right. Likewise, the flat chopsticks are difficult, but once you adjust... I found it hard to eat with a fork the other night. I can't wait to get more into everything, so that I don't feel as out of place. Looking forward to the last chills of winter to fade and spring to come in full bloom.

We'll see how the semester goes...

Complete and Utter Crap

Know how gas stations aren't allowed to charge more for credit purchases of gasoline, so instead they offer a "discount incentive" for folks who use cash?

That's what my job does with our evaluations, and it's absolutely ridiculous to expect me to sign off on a lousy evaluation just because they say to. Not going to happen. So now, they want me to go through my 4 page evaluation point by point and explain why they don't see me in the same light I see myself. I'm not exactly modest, but I do actually see my strengths and weaknesses in a fairly clear light, and I'm not ashamed to make them obvious to people who are blinded by their own prejudices.

Don't blame ANYTHING on my so called "strong personality." As I said today, that's just an excuse for you not to like me. Guess what, I don't really care if you like me or not, but I expect to be judge fairly for my outstanding work. I go out of my way to put forth an effort, to wear my stupid "mild smile" whenever I'm there, which is more often than I'm with my family and loved ones, for sure. Sometimes it feels like doing anything else would be better than what I'm doing now, especially since I essentially live in a catch-22.

Don't give me any of the old line about how the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I'd be happy right about now to be convinced that grass still exists somewhere; that it hasn't all been trampeled down by the mediocrity that is our pitiful existence. I don't intend to cut off my nose to spite my face, but seriously, do you have to hand me the blade and make it so easy to make what you consider to be mistakes? I follow orders to the letter, which has never been my strong point (but I can do it without complaint now), and still end up being wrong. Time and time again I've had to redo work multiple times because our supervisors can't get it straight what they actually want from us minions.

I'm supposed to write out what makes me outstanding .at work. Why I am better than they want to think I am. How am I supposed to "provide documentation" on why I am a good employee? That doesn't exist... but supposedly a handwritten affidavit is acceptable. Want me to wax poetic about how I do the work of multiple employees? Nope, because that's not allowed. Want me to explain how I catch higher-ups in potentially disastrous mistakes? Nope, that's also unacceptable. How about how I volunteer for fourteen hour shifts, up to three in a row, while juggling school, home, and poor health? Can't mention that, because it's expected of me. So, maybe I can mention how I learn things that I am not expected to begin to comprehend, like the complicated diet orders, how to do every position in the back of the house, or how to know when people are talking about you behind your back. Can't bring any of that up either, since I'm only "stirring the pot" and looking for more trouble.

Sometimes, you're damn lucky that I come in at all. Every breath I take is plagued by pain, and moving my body parts is more often than not cause for anguish. I still show up, day after day, and excel at my job, and help others to become better in the process, all while taking care of the people we are there for - the patients. Want me to be an example to my fellow co-workers? I am, you just don't like us to strive for better, because then we leave. Stop punishing me for being right, and look to correct the actual problems that exist in our department.




By the by, I know that the internet is monitored by spies/employees/staff at my job, present and future. I don't care. Nothing I say, in this post, any other, or out loud is anything other than what I see as truth. Sorry if you don't understand that. In other words, I'm sorry that you think I'm wrong...
but I'm not.

Injections

All I really have to say is Ow. The left side of my rib cage is screaming at me to take some pills and pass out already, but I've still got some physics studying to do if I want to pass the course. For the first time in about 9 months I got my prolotherapy/cortizone/lidocaine injections. I forgot just how awful it really feels during and after. We only got maybe a third of the spots we wanted to today, they're just too widespread to be able to get them all in the same visit. There's a kinda cool design going down the ends of my ribs, with pen markings across my hips where another set will probably go, culminating at the base of my spinal cord, which might be a little dangerous. With any luck, he said about 3 more years of this. Josh says that's better than a lifetime.

I agree.

Avoiding real work...

So I'm sitting in the science library at school. I didn't even know there was a computer lab in here, and that there would actually be available computers to work on. Amazing. I'm bouncing between writing this, debating my essays and writing portfolios, and playing WordTwist with dad, even though he doesn't know it yet. There's so much to be done, but I don't really want to do any of it. My birthday is in less than a month now, but I don't really want to do that either. Sigh.

Anyway, I need to write about 4 essays, three segments of a writing portfolio, and make copies of sources for my random bibliography that isn't connected to an actual paper. Then there's housework and back-work, including reading way more than I remembered. I love to read, but being forced to do it takes a lot of fun out of it. Damn.

Ok, enough stalling.

Donald Giroux

Donald E. Giroux
Giroux, Donald E. CLIFTON PARK Donald E. Giroux, 72, of Clamsteam Road, entered into the arms of the Lord on Friday February 20, 2009 at St. Mary's Hospital, in Troy. Donald was born in Cohoes, N.Y. on June 23, 1936, the son of the late Maxi-milian and Marie Bernadette Hamelin Giroux. He was a graduate of St. Mary's Catholic School in Waterford. Donald served his country in the United States Air Force. He was married to his wife, June A. Desnoyers Giroux, on June 25, 1960. He was employed as a boss rigger at the Watervliet Arsenal for over 28 years, retiring several years ago. He especially loved being with his family and enjoyed fishing and hunting. He is a member of St. Mary's Church Crescent and the American Legion Post 1450, a lifetime member of West Crescent Fire Department and a member of the Elks. He is survived by his loving wife and children, the former June A. Desnoyers, Thomas (Karin) Giroux of Charlton, Lee A. (Jeanine) Giroux of Glenville, Mary A. (Jason) Slingerland of Schenectady and Wanda J. (Joseph) Closson of Ballston Spa; two brothers, Germaine and John Paul Giroux, both of Cohoes; four sisters, Angel Spickler of Waterford, Claire Beaudion of Rexford, and Irene Ballard and Bernice Atchinson, both of Cohoes; seven grandchildren; also survived by several nieces and nephews. Funeral services to which relatives and friends are invited to attend will be held 9:45 a.m. Wednesday, February 25, 2009 at the Gordon C. Emerick Funeral Home, 1550 Route 9, Clifton Park, thence to St. Mary's Church Crescent, where at 10:30 a.m. the Mass of Christian Burial will be celebrated. Calling hours will be held Tuesday from 5-8 p.m. at the funeral home. Burial with full military honors will be in the Gerald B.H. Solomon Saratoga National Cemetery, Schuylerville. Memorial contributions may be made in Donald's memory to the American Cancer Society, 260 Osborne Road, Loudonville, NY 12211.

We lost Pip on Friday. Still can't really talk about it, but we'll miss him. We'll be finding out fairly soon if we'll be moving in with Mim, because she really shouldn't be alone and we're her only family without our own house to give up. Updates later.